Living With Lies and Dishonesty

We had another truly beautiful and perfect spring day. The rays of the sun pulled me out to the yard, where I planted a few flowers, trimmed the shrubs and pulled the weeds out. I removed all the dandelions that I could see. They are one of the welcoming signs of the spring. It’s fun to pick them, blow on them and see the tiny flowers fly away in the wind. However, the rest of the plant, its leaves and roots are not so good for the garden. It damages the nearby new growths. So, I am told. As I uproot the dandelions, they remind me of bad relationships/marriages. At the first sighting they bring joy and some cheerfulness. But as the fuzzy ball of flower disperse; the remaining root eats away the healthy green garden.

I remember a day that I was walking with P. in some beautiful garden. We were surrounded by tall trees, colorful flowers, water fountains and children’s laughter at a distance. At some point P. stopped and looked at me, and I noticed her pale skin, trembling body, her tearful eyes and the look of despair all over her face. She told me that she has found out yet again about her husband’s recent infidelity. She told me the details of how and when she found out. This wasn’t his first time that he cheated on her and we she knew it wasn’t going to be his last time cheating on her either. She wanted me to hear her and listen to her with a promise not to tell anyone, especially her parents. She had made a decision of staying with him through his unfaithfulness, the emotional abuse and betrayal. That day, I left that heaven- like park with a heavy heart. As the famous Persian poet Akhavan-Sales says:

Dandelion (ghasedak),
day and night all the clouds in the world cry in my heart.

Shortly after, I left and did not see her since.

I’ve heard and saw bits and pieces of Elizabeth Edwards’s interview with Oprah about her husband’s indiscretions and her new book about it. My heart goes out to her for battling terminal cancer, dealing with her husband’s affair and at the same time trying to keep a home together while raising a family. It is her personal choice to stay married to an unfaithful man who might also have a child with the other woman. I have not read the book and I don’t think I’ll read it any time soon. I believe that the issues of betrayal, unfaithfulness and adultery are worthy of discussions no matter how tender or uncomfortable they might be. I find it very interesting that a woman writes about it, has it published and makes the media rounds. Is it modern day revenge? I wonder what P. would think of this whole thing. Or those women who close their eyes to their husband’s extramarital affairs, and remain married, faithful and loyal. For them, walking out on their marriage is not an option. They were raised to believe that you enter a man’s house with the white wedding gown and leave it with a white burial cloth (kafan). It is a decision a woman has to make, weighing all the options and the obstacles whether she decides to stay in the marriage or call it quits. A woman might stay with a cheating husband due to economic needs, her children, family pressure, cultural demands and perhaps some hopes that he might change this time around.

My question is that why do these women choose to stay with these unfaithful men? Do the dishonest and cheating husbands or the submissive wives ever consider the impact of their behaviors on their young children? At the end it is between a man and a woman to decide how to live their lives, but I feel terrible for all the children who grow up with the issues of betrayal, distrust, lies, dishonesty and helplessness and what that would do to their own relationships in the future. Would it be too radical or insensitive to suggest to the women to take their kids and find the tools necessary to uproot these destructive and humiliating relationships?